A Long Absence

It’s been a long time since I last posted.

It would be easy to write that I had been away for a while or that I had forgotten to write anything, but both would be a lie.  I have been nowhere and although I have been forgetting practically everything within a few hours, that isn’t the reason for me not writing.

The truth is that since my last post I have been wallowing in self pity, fighting insurance companies and trying to find somewhere to live.  Not necessarily in that order.

I have thought about writing but then realised that I had nothing worth writing about.  I was feeling very sorry for myself and once selfishness takes hold, you become oblivious to everything else.  You don’t care about what is happening to others, you only care about why is this happening to me!!

I decided that maybe I should snap out of it and face the world like a man.  Ok, that was overly dramatic but I have been away for a while and should be allowed some leeway.  Seriously though, I realised that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living in the glorious past and afraid to face the here and now.  I don’t want to, who would.  The here and now is a bleak place and not just for me.  All of us are feeling the pinch.  But wanting something doesn’t mean that you can get it.  There is no way I am going to be who I used to be, I just have to try and be a better and stronger person now.

Ok, that was overly condescending too.  I really should stop while I am behind!

However (there always is a however, isn’t there), I decided to start my own webpage and blog.  That way, I am not constrained to the limits that the free WordPress has.  My own site looks exactly the same as this except it’s a little sparse on articles.  For now.

So, if you want to read whatever scribbles I write, you will have to visit my new site at:

http://www.sothisisreality.com

I hope to see you all there!

What Happens….?

What happens when the silence comes?  The moment that you no longer have any more words to say.  All the words that have come before are all that can be said.  What happens then?

What happens when there is nothing left to do?  All you could have done has been done.  There is no more to do.  It’s all been done.  It’s achieved nothing.  Anything else is superfluous and pointless, an exercise in futility?

What happens when you no longer want to move?  Movement brings more pain, more tears and achieves little.  You don’t go anywhere and you don’t want to go anywhere.  You want to stay still and remain that way.

What happens when the anger that fired you has gone?  When the fire that ignited every time you felt the pain has finally been extinguished by the futility of it all.  All that is left is the empty, hollow, cold space that it once occupied.  The fire is gone and with it the power to try and overcome the obstacles.

What happens when the belief you had has gone?  The once seemingly indefatigable essence of yourself has slowly petered out, chipped away by the constant failures and defeats.  The optimism constantly battered into submission; twisted and warped, it’s now a feeling of pointlessness and negativity.

What happens when everyone that supported you have drifted into indifference?  Their avoidance of what is replaced by what was; surreal and imagined, contact avoided and then ceasing altogether.  The pillar of support crumbling into dust and drifting on the wind.

The sweet temptation of nothingness beckons like the sirens of lore; the promise of no pain, no anguish and no more failures unimaginable and yet a thing of daydreams and tormented sleep.  To be free of everything, to shed all human frailties and weaknesses.  To be free of a tormented lifelessness and mere existence.

What happens then?

You dig deep.  Then you dig deeper.  You dig until you reach the beating heart of your existence.  You hold it and nurture it as if you would a dieing tree, it’s deep roots resisting the disease and drawing life into it’s core.  You open your eyes to the pain and suffering of those dear to you and feed off their love, their prayers and their hope.  You fuel the fire in your core until it begins to grow, its light slowly banishing the darkness and the doubts.  You find the beauty in a leaf and emulate its struggle just to stay on the tree.  You are that leaf and the tree is everything and everyone that loves you.

Prolific Prose

It is a constant surprise to me how some people manage to post an article every day.  I struggle to construct a coherent paragraph during the day and yet these people just write on as if it was as natural as breathing.  How on earth do they do it?

I have been busy reading through the articles of people I have subscribed to and I am barely able to keep up!  Some are humorous, some are serious and some have religious undertones.  All of them are interesting in their own way and sometimes I even have time to write a comment (although I struggle with throwing some words together just for a comment!!).  Each and every article has been crafted by its author and I am beginning to think that they must be cheating!  There is a secret, mystical book which they all share that is full of interesting and humorous articles which they can copy onto their own respective blogs!  There must be!!  I’m convinced of it (although, with my drugs, you could easily convince me that dragons exist and that Elvis isn’t dead and is doing a concert with Michael Jackson!).

What is worse is that they have crafted their unique articles and all I have to offer is an article complaining about how they can manage to maintain their prolific writing!  Ok, I may throw in a joke here and there, but basically all I am doing is complaining about the fact that I can’t keep up with my peers.  It’s so depressing I think I’ll go curl up in a corner and cry for a bit.

At least I posted something today!

Unrequited?

This post has been sitting, unpublished for some time.  I recently had another look at it and tweeked it a little because of some spelling errors, but it is one I never intended to publish.  It is a very personal article that I didn’t want to share and, even now, I wonder about the decision.  It was written when I was very depressed and in pain.  I was thinking about past events and wrote this.  I may remove it as I have done to other posts that were written while I was depressed.  It may sound strange, but these were my thoughts while I was in a dark place…. Thank you.

Have you ever regretted something that has happened to you?

Have you ever sat and dwelt on someone?  Someone from your past that you never quite got over?  A certain someone that is always in the back of your mind?

Recently, I have.  I never was one for introspection.  I never had the time.  My life was a constant roller-coaster of events and deployments.  I didn’t have time to think about things that had happened to me, unless it was work related.  I never really thought about anything, seriously, unless it was work.  For me, my work was everything.  It defined my life, it defined who I was and my attitude toward anything personal.  In short, I didn’t really have time for a personal life.  It got in the way.

I was thinking about someone I had met.  To this day, I have no idea how the events that lead to our meeting were set in motion.  It was a flook.  Our own personal situations happened to coincide and we were thrown toward the inevitable meeting.  That’s not to say that either one of us could have changed our minds and our paths would never have crossed.  But we didn’t and they did.  It was something unique and yet sublime.

Although I try not to dwell too much in my past, this woman keeps popping up.  I think the reason is because there was no proper conclusion to our brief relationship.  The actual relationship wasn’t brief, but the time we spent together was.  As I sit here and type this, I keep thinking that it was too brief.  We didn’t have time to get to know each other on a deeply personal level but what I did learn is that I wanted to spend more time with her.  Time I didn’t have and, to my regret, time that was more important to my job.  My work came first, everything else was subject to availability!

It’s easy to sit back and think, ‘Well, I should have done it differently’.  Life doesn’t work like that.  That would be far too easy and, to be honest, far too boring.  One of the things that makes our lives interesting is the fact that we cannot predict what will happen and how our choices will affect our lives.  Sometimes (or as it appears to me, more often than not) our choices lead to life changing events that have a permanent and negative impact on our lives.  Sometimes people are fortunate in that their choices have lead to happiness and contentment (and sometimes the lottery!).  We just don’t know how our own choices will affect our lives in the years that follow.

I can still picture the first meeting.  To say I was nervous would be an understatement.  Sitting in a cafe, drinking our tea or coffee, our conversation was slightly forced.  I was shocked by how young she looked and how beautiful she was.  Never one to be vain, for the first time I became very conscious of my own appearance.  I haven’t looked young since I was about nineteen.  To any passer-by, I must have looked like a dirty old man!  Our conversation was non-consequential, it was small talk but what was taking place in the background was deeper.  The way she looked at me and her seemingly harmless touches on my hand are still vivid in my memory and my hands still feel the cool caress of her fingers.  For the first time in my life, my brain went into neutral and my heart took over.

I have never been a romantic.  I don’t think I could be even if I tried.  My brother is the lady-killer in our family, his good looks and charm have stood him in good stead in that department.  My mother once commented that I didn’t have a heart, just a lump of ice.  Admittedly, I brought that on myself, as I said, I never had time for romance.  However, with this woman everything felt different.  I don’t believe in fate or whatever, but I couldn’t help wondering how this wonderful thing had happened to me.

As the moments passed and events progressed, I became more enthralled in the spell she had apparently woven around me.  Our every moment was magical,  The time we spent together will forever be etched on my soul.  Our passion was unbound yet delicate.  I remember once, as she was sleeping and breathing gently that I had this crazy notion of wanting part of her.  I changed the rhythm of my breath so that as she breathed out, I breathed in.  The sensation was indescribable.  That simple act had the same effect as alcohol and I became giddy by the sensation.  As I think back on it, it does sound a little weird but at the time it was something beyond words.

No good thing lasts forever.  Not in my life.  In the end, I left her.  Work called and as ever, I was it’s loyal hound.  I will admit, that for the first time I actually resisted the call, not wanting the break the spell that was woven around us.  I failed and went back to my comfort zone.  That’s not to say that I didn’t think about her.  To the contrary, she occupied my mind making it very difficult for me to concentrate on work.  Eventually, though, with the enchantment of being near her broken, my life returned to normal.  Time passes and memories fade and with them, the emotions that come with them.  It’s a natural reaction otherwise the world would be populated by people who would not be able to concentrate on anything.  For me it wasn’t easy.  It took time but, maybe fortunately, that time was shortened by the work I did.

A long time has passed now.  We still keep in touch, to some degree.  She has moved on with her life and my life has all but ended.  She is vibrant and still full of life.  I am broken and old, my life drained by my injury.  I do have the memories, though and I can still feel her cool touch on my skin.