Change

Change is easy to promise yourself, I know, I’ve done it hundreds of times since my injury.  The hardest part is actually doing the deed especially when you are in complete agony and you just want to curl up and die.  I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve just wanted to die, to be free of the pain, the misery and the memories that haunt me.  I’m not saying this lightly.  I’ve fallen down the pit of depression so many times, tried to crawl out only to be kicked in the teeth and fallen lower than before.

I’ll warn you now that this post sounds like the irritating whining of a selfish, woe-is-me weakling, which it is.  A friend once told me that pain is weakness leaving the body.  I have a lot of weakness!  I’ve given fair warning and read at your own mental peril!

Whilst I was in Headley Court the psychiatrist told me to start a journal in order for me to articulate my feelings in writing.  It didn’t take long for me to get bored writing, “Hurting and pissed off”.  The psychiatrist had a go at me and said I wasn’t trying, I asked him how hard he wanted me to try?  “Express your feelings” he told me.  “I have” I told him back.  Needless to say, that conversation didn’t get very far and neither did my ‘articulation of my feelings’.  As I mentioned in the first part, I’m not very good at showing my feelings.

Once again, the full story can be read at http://www.sothisisreality.com or click this link

The Start

How do you start a personal series of events when you are not a ‘sharing’ kind of person?  How do you be frank and honest for the first time in your life when you’ve always hidden behind a mask, a facade?  I’ve never allowed myself to get close to many people, having lived my life in semi-isolation from the majority of society as did many of my colleagues.  The work I did defined me and my outlook on life.  I did not share personal details.  Period.

That was then and this is now.  My life has changed to such a degree that trying to pretend that the way I lived my life before my injury is the way to continue is folly.  I’m not the person I was seven years ago and whatever dangers that I believed existed have paled into insignificance compared to what I now face daily.  I’ve decided that the personal me needs to explain some things because of something I have decided to do.  An undertaking and an obligation.  So the best place is to start not at the beginning but somewhere near the end; the last few weeks before I lost all sensation in the lower half of my body.

<READ MORE>

The link takes you to my own website http://www.sothisisreality.com

Why a different website?  I wanted to have a website with unrestricted space and no adverts.  It still uses WordPress and you can still log in with your WordPress account, it’s just hosted by me so that I have full control over it.  Nothing else.

Long Absence

It’s been a long absence but I think it’s about time I tried my hand at some more writing and see what happens.

I’ve changed the appearance of the site, as they say, a change is as good as a rest and I’ve now down both!

I hope to have posts up soon and hope that they are enjoyable.

 

Hope to see you soon!

A Long Absence

It’s been a long time since I last posted.

It would be easy to write that I had been away for a while or that I had forgotten to write anything, but both would be a lie.  I have been nowhere and although I have been forgetting practically everything within a few hours, that isn’t the reason for me not writing.

The truth is that since my last post I have been wallowing in self pity, fighting insurance companies and trying to find somewhere to live.  Not necessarily in that order.

I have thought about writing but then realised that I had nothing worth writing about.  I was feeling very sorry for myself and once selfishness takes hold, you become oblivious to everything else.  You don’t care about what is happening to others, you only care about why is this happening to me!!

I decided that maybe I should snap out of it and face the world like a man.  Ok, that was overly dramatic but I have been away for a while and should be allowed some leeway.  Seriously though, I realised that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living in the glorious past and afraid to face the here and now.  I don’t want to, who would.  The here and now is a bleak place and not just for me.  All of us are feeling the pinch.  But wanting something doesn’t mean that you can get it.  There is no way I am going to be who I used to be, I just have to try and be a better and stronger person now.

Ok, that was overly condescending too.  I really should stop while I am behind!

However (there always is a however, isn’t there), I decided to start my own webpage and blog.  That way, I am not constrained to the limits that the free WordPress has.  My own site looks exactly the same as this except it’s a little sparse on articles.  For now.

So, if you want to read whatever scribbles I write, you will have to visit my new site at:

http://www.sothisisreality.com

I hope to see you all there!

What Happens….?

What happens when the silence comes?  The moment that you no longer have any more words to say.  All the words that have come before are all that can be said.  What happens then?

What happens when there is nothing left to do?  All you could have done has been done.  There is no more to do.  It’s all been done.  It’s achieved nothing.  Anything else is superfluous and pointless, an exercise in futility?

What happens when you no longer want to move?  Movement brings more pain, more tears and achieves little.  You don’t go anywhere and you don’t want to go anywhere.  You want to stay still and remain that way.

What happens when the anger that fired you has gone?  When the fire that ignited every time you felt the pain has finally been extinguished by the futility of it all.  All that is left is the empty, hollow, cold space that it once occupied.  The fire is gone and with it the power to try and overcome the obstacles.

What happens when the belief you had has gone?  The once seemingly indefatigable essence of yourself has slowly petered out, chipped away by the constant failures and defeats.  The optimism constantly battered into submission; twisted and warped, it’s now a feeling of pointlessness and negativity.

What happens when everyone that supported you have drifted into indifference?  Their avoidance of what is replaced by what was; surreal and imagined, contact avoided and then ceasing altogether.  The pillar of support crumbling into dust and drifting on the wind.

The sweet temptation of nothingness beckons like the sirens of lore; the promise of no pain, no anguish and no more failures unimaginable and yet a thing of daydreams and tormented sleep.  To be free of everything, to shed all human frailties and weaknesses.  To be free of a tormented lifelessness and mere existence.

What happens then?

You dig deep.  Then you dig deeper.  You dig until you reach the beating heart of your existence.  You hold it and nurture it as if you would a dieing tree, it’s deep roots resisting the disease and drawing life into it’s core.  You open your eyes to the pain and suffering of those dear to you and feed off their love, their prayers and their hope.  You fuel the fire in your core until it begins to grow, its light slowly banishing the darkness and the doubts.  You find the beauty in a leaf and emulate its struggle just to stay on the tree.  You are that leaf and the tree is everything and everyone that loves you.