Change is easy to promise yourself, I know, I’ve done it hundreds of times since my injury. The hardest part is actually doing the deed especially when you are in complete agony and you just want to curl up and die. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve just wanted to die, to be free of the pain, the misery and the memories that haunt me. I’m not saying this lightly. I’ve fallen down the pit of depression so many times, tried to crawl out only to be kicked in the teeth and fallen lower than before.
I’ll warn you now that this post sounds like the irritating whining of a selfish, woe-is-me weakling, which it is. A friend once told me that pain is weakness leaving the body. I have a lot of weakness! I’ve given fair warning and read at your own mental peril!
Whilst I was in Headley Court the psychiatrist told me to start a journal in order for me to articulate my feelings in writing. It didn’t take long for me to get bored writing, “Hurting and pissed off”. The psychiatrist had a go at me and said I wasn’t trying, I asked him how hard he wanted me to try? “Express your feelings” he told me. “I have” I told him back. Needless to say, that conversation didn’t get very far and neither did my ‘articulation of my feelings’. As I mentioned in the first part, I’m not very good at showing my feelings.