What Happens….?

What happens when the silence comes?  The moment that you no longer have any more words to say.  All the words that have come before are all that can be said.  What happens then?

What happens when there is nothing left to do?  All you could have done has been done.  There is no more to do.  It’s all been done.  It’s achieved nothing.  Anything else is superfluous and pointless, an exercise in futility?

What happens when you no longer want to move?  Movement brings more pain, more tears and achieves little.  You don’t go anywhere and you don’t want to go anywhere.  You want to stay still and remain that way.

What happens when the anger that fired you has gone?  When the fire that ignited every time you felt the pain has finally been extinguished by the futility of it all.  All that is left is the empty, hollow, cold space that it once occupied.  The fire is gone and with it the power to try and overcome the obstacles.

What happens when the belief you had has gone?  The once seemingly indefatigable essence of yourself has slowly petered out, chipped away by the constant failures and defeats.  The optimism constantly battered into submission; twisted and warped, it’s now a feeling of pointlessness and negativity.

What happens when everyone that supported you have drifted into indifference?  Their avoidance of what is replaced by what was; surreal and imagined, contact avoided and then ceasing altogether.  The pillar of support crumbling into dust and drifting on the wind.

The sweet temptation of nothingness beckons like the sirens of lore; the promise of no pain, no anguish and no more failures unimaginable and yet a thing of daydreams and tormented sleep.  To be free of everything, to shed all human frailties and weaknesses.  To be free of a tormented lifelessness and mere existence.

What happens then?

You dig deep.  Then you dig deeper.  You dig until you reach the beating heart of your existence.  You hold it and nurture it as if you would a dieing tree, it’s deep roots resisting the disease and drawing life into it’s core.  You open your eyes to the pain and suffering of those dear to you and feed off their love, their prayers and their hope.  You fuel the fire in your core until it begins to grow, its light slowly banishing the darkness and the doubts.  You find the beauty in a leaf and emulate its struggle just to stay on the tree.  You are that leaf and the tree is everything and everyone that loves you.


Prolific Prose

It is a constant surprise to me how some people manage to post an article every day.  I struggle to construct a coherent paragraph during the day and yet these people just write on as if it was as natural as breathing.  How on earth do they do it?

I have been busy reading through the articles of people I have subscribed to and I am barely able to keep up!  Some are humorous, some are serious and some have religious undertones.  All of them are interesting in their own way and sometimes I even have time to write a comment (although I struggle with throwing some words together just for a comment!!).  Each and every article has been crafted by its author and I am beginning to think that they must be cheating!  There is a secret, mystical book which they all share that is full of interesting and humorous articles which they can copy onto their own respective blogs!  There must be!!  I’m convinced of it (although, with my drugs, you could easily convince me that dragons exist and that Elvis isn’t dead and is doing a concert with Michael Jackson!).

What is worse is that they have crafted their unique articles and all I have to offer is an article complaining about how they can manage to maintain their prolific writing!  Ok, I may throw in a joke here and there, but basically all I am doing is complaining about the fact that I can’t keep up with my peers.  It’s so depressing I think I’ll go curl up in a corner and cry for a bit.

At least I posted something today!

Why Two?

I have to admit that I have been surprised by the number of people who actually visit my blog.  Part of that is thanks to Fr David.  After he visited my site, my numbers started to increase.  The best thing, though, is that people keep coming back and reading what I write.  I had written a post a while ago where I wondered if anyone did actually read my posts.  Well, thankfully, people do (although not many leave comments!).  There is a sense of satisfaction in knowing this.  Whether it is my rather delicate ego being stroked or something more profound, the outcome is the same.  It makes me happy, which is no mean feat nowadays!

However, I do have another blog site.  One on Google Blogger.  It’s called the Accidental Observer.

On my other Blog I tend to write my opinions about topical subjects, the most recent being the arrest of the Bosnian-Serb, Mladic, the problems with our education system and the Royal Wedding.  My posts are (semi) objective insights based on my experience and knowledge.

But why have two site at all?

It’s a bit of a weird story and you’ll probably think I am mad.  However, seeing as I tend to be sharing more and more with the nameless and faceless readers of my blog, I will tell the story.

It’s actually the fault of ‘The Gadget Show’.  Not sure if any of you have actually watched it, I think it’s on Channel 4 or 5, anyway, I watch it over the internet.  It’s a show about the various new gadgets and widgets that are coming onto the market.  They cover everything from yachts to apps for your mobile phone.  I find it hugely interesting as I love my gadgets.  The presenters occasionally have a competition with each other and it was one of these competitions that caused me to start writing on Blogger.

On this site, WordPress may add the odd advertisement to get some revenue.  I don’t see them on my site but I see them when visiting some others.  On Blogger, I place my own advertisements and if anyone clicks on them, I get some money.  It’s very simple, in theory.  I thought I would try and earn some money by writing a contemporary blog covering news items.  The money would be rolling in because, as you all ready know, my wit and intelligence would woo hundreds of new readers who would inevitably click on the advertisements and thereby generate money for me.

Actually, it didn’t.

Although I get a fair number of people visiting this site, I very rarely get readers visiting my other site on Blogger.  Those that do pop over tend to be from America??  So, why is that?

I guess one of the reasons could be that there are enough professional news sites out there that provide the information most people need.  What I was hoping was that they would visit my site because of the added value of my views.  For example, on the arrest of Mladic, I mention that I have met the man several times during the course of my career.  That’s not something every news site can boast!  But it doesn’t work.  I get a single hit every few days.  It’s a total failure.

I’m not surprised, to be honest.  It would have been nice to generate a little income from the blog and it also felt like I was actually working again.  But getting noticed on an internet that is so massive is a huge undertaking and it requires a lot of money for advertising.  Not something I have handy at the moment.  That’s not to say that I will give it up.  It does have the advantage of being somewhere where I can write my (s0metimes) controversial views and opinions about current affairs, politics and whatever else is in the news at the time.  Not something I would do on this site.

Naturally, you are all more than welcome to check it out, but I warn you, it’s nothing like this.  I would say that it is cold and objective.

The Accidental Observer notwithstanding, I have this place where I can indulge myself in my personal pleasure in just writing.  There is no pressure here, I can be personal and write whatever is on my mind.  Hence this post!

On a final note and I know this is going to sound really weird but, I feel as if this blog is a friendlier place.  I have a sense of community.  I did say it was weird!!

The Green Eyed Monster

As I sat alone one night, thinking about life, the universe and everything, I began thinking about my past.  One of the things that stuck out was jealousy.  We have all heard of the phrase, ‘Green eyed monster’ to describe envy or jealousy.  I have always thought it meant jealousy but have known about the expression ‘green with envy’.  Either way, they are two similar emotions and both can be extremely destructive, whether it be personal or international.  I am sure we have all been jealous to one degree or another, or envious of something.  It’s human nature.  Or is it?  (You just knew I was going to say that!)

I will admit that when I was a much younger man, I was very jealous several times.  I’m sure it will come as no surprise that it was over a girl!  I can even remember why I was jealous but thinking back, I cannot understand why.  I therefore thought it was due to my own immaturity and insecurity.  Although I was an extremely good catch (sic), I was insecure in my relationship.  Fortunately for me, I managed to control my emotions, however there have been numerous cases of where jealousy has erupted into a much more violent result.

Research has revealed that jealousy is not restricted to the young.  As I mentioned, I put my own jealousy down to my youth, immaturity and insecurity.  I am sure some of those reasons can be used in cases where older people are involved.  Age does not always denote maturity.  Insecurity can follow an adult throughout their lives, so add both together and you have a recipe for disaster.

Another key factor, according to trick-cyclists (psychiatrists), is that if an individual experiences insecurity at home, be it through mistreatment or because the parents have had issues, then that can follow them into adult life.  Meaning that an individual may not be able to control his or her jealousy because of deep seated problems.  I can relate to this finding as my own parents had marital issues when I was a child and it dominated a large part of my childhood.  I managed to get over it, maybe because of the work I did instilled confidence into the individual.  I don’t know, but something happened.

As to the expression ‘Green Eyed Monster’, well, it may come as no surprise that it was William Shakespeare that first coined the phrase in 1604, in the play Othello although it was also mentioned in part during the Merchant of Venice, written in 1596.  I wonder how he managed to think of that phrase?

CGI Killed the Video Star?

I’m sure most of you have heard the song ‘Video killed the Radio Star’ by the Buggles (it was released in 1979, so I’m showing my age here!).  It wasn’t exactly a hit, but has been making the music rounds all the time, in one form or another.  It’s a song about how television killed off the radio.  Although not technically true, radio is more popular now than it has ever been (mainly because more people have access to radios than ever before) but the premise was that the new moving picture box, in the corner of the room, ended the era of when people gathered around the box full of old diodes and tubes that was called a radio.

History lesson ends.

Now there is a new dimension to film making: CGI or Computer Generated Imagery.

With the continuous development of faster processors, bigger and better computers, the ability to produce life-like graphics has become a reality (notice the pun?).  Films like Avatar have shown what computer generated imagery can achieve in a spectacular way.  Compared to one of the first CGI films, Final Fantasy, graphics have come a long way.  The story may be a rehash of the Last Mohican but the eye candy was undeniably stunning.  However, this is just the start.  CGI films have been around for quite a while, Toy Story, Monsters Inc and Flushed Away are a few examples.  These are CGI films as we accepted as the norm; cartoon like characters in a family film.

Now that we have seen that film companies can produce life-like characters with stunning clarity, does this mean that we will soon see the end of actors?

Not really.  Although Avatar was a CGI film, it still required actors to act each of the scenes whilst the computers were capturing their movements.  The voices were human as well as the interaction, but they were covered by a layer of computer graphics.  So, we still need the actors and actresses to play the parts in order for the computer to capture the motions, but it does mean that their real faces/bodies are not seen.  Will this be an issue in the future?

I doubt it.  For years, now, actors have been perfectly happy to do voice-overs for films.  Let’s face it, it is certainly easier than learning lines and then acting out scenes in front of a camera.  Ok, maybe they are established actors who’s faces are already famous, but in time this won’t be a consideration.  Voice acting is still as difficult as acting, maybe more so when you think about it.  When acting a scene in front of a camera, the actor can interact with his surroundings making it easier for him/her.  When just doing voices or motion capture, the actors have to visualize their situation.  A much harder procedure, I think.

Either way, we are now entering a new phase of CGI film making.  Producers that have been restricted by the physics and limitations of the real world are now free to explore the limitless possibilities of fantasy worlds where they are no longer restricted by what is physically possible.  This is good news for the film lovers as films should become more fantastic and laden with even more impressive special effects.

But not all film makers are going to go down this new, technological path; not 100% anyway.  There will still be thrillers and dramas in which real people will take the lead for the foreseeable future.  Maybe, someday, when actor’s salaries become even more inflated than their egos, producers may just try and create CGI versions.  Until that day, men will have gorgeous actresses to lust over and women will have their dreamy male actors.

Me, I’ll be happy with more special effects, blowing stuff up and space wars, leaving the sloppy, love stuff to people who like that sort of thing.

To Blog or Not To Blog?

Let’s face it, most of us crave attention.  Be it from our loved ones, our pets or even the whole world, we are a social animal and that’s one of the reasons things like Facebook and the like are so popular.  If we don’t get attention and people ignore us, we go and sulk.  Well, I do!

Which leads me nicely onto my subject.  Why do we blog?  Why blog if people aren’t reading your witty yet insightful articles that both stimulate the brain and the laughter muscle?

You have to agree that blogging has to be one of the more difficult of the social networking options.  Although you could get away with writing a single line of text every now and then, you would probably be better off sticking to Facebook or Twitter.  Blogging requires a certain amount of skill.  Being able to write whole sentences is useful, too.  Blogging requires thought and time and is usually a thankless task.

I started blogging as a means to keep my brain at least partially occupied.  I have always wanted to be able to write and I thought that if I wrote some witty articles as well as some more serious, I would garner a loyal following and get pleasure in entertaining my readers.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I don’t actually find writing easy and often just stare at the screen, my mind blank and my fingers unmoving, hovering above the keyboard waiting for any hint of activity in my brain.  This can last seconds of even hours.  Sometimes I don’t write an article for weeks and then a flurry of them appear, all at once as my brain disgorges whatever thoughts have been running through my drug addled brain.  I have started another site where I decided that I would give my thoughts on current affairs (there is a link somewhere on this page) just to see if that is what people out there prefer to read.  So far it isn’t working.

So why continue if all I am doing is writing articles that people don’t read?

I suppose that I am in the same situation as many other bloggers out there in cyberworld.  There are a few extremely talented people who have the ability to draw in readers, either because they write what is interesting or their skill in writing is just worth reading.  There are others that use the blog as a photo album; their pictures are stunning to look at and we keep going back for more eye candy.  But for the majority of us, a few friends reading your earnestly written missive is the best we can hope for.

There is another thing that I have noticed since I started taking this blogging malarkey more seriously.  When I am not well enough to open my Macbook (a quick advertisement there!) I worry that I should be writing something on my site.  Why am I worrying?  It’s not like I have a deadline or a million people will miss out on anything.  It’s purely psychological.  I imagine that those few readers I have will give up on me if I don’t post regularly.  How’s that for preposterous?  However preposterous it may sound, I’m afraid it’s a fact!

No matter who does or does not read my scratchings, I still enjoy sitting here and typing on the keyboard, throwing random letters together and sometimes creating sentences that make sense.  It’s a purely selfish thing.  I enjoy the fact that somebody, someday will enter a word into a search engine and a link to my humble yet awesome blog appears.  Out of curiosity, that person clicks the link and is rewarded by pages of obscure scribblings from some bloke in England.  Most rewarding of all, however, is that this person actually enjoys reading my musings and clicks on yet another article.  Later that same day, the unknown person sends a link to my blog to a friend or two, suggesting that they may enjoy a moment or four reading this blog.  Ahhh, isn’t fantasy world a wonderful place!

Back in the real world, my unknown person doesn’t even register the link to my site from their search results and moves onto a flash game that will occupy him or her, for a few moments because they are bored at work.  May I suggest Peggle?  It’s a lot of fun!

So endeth another musing session, with a little fantasy added for extra appeal.  I shall continue to dream and my space allowance on this site will gradually diminish as I post more and more literary masterpieces (I did say fantasy was added).  I feel sorry for those that are unfortunate enough not to have found my blog and revel in my abstract insights and dark humour.  I write for the simple pleasure of writing.  I sometimes read my own ramblings and laugh at my naïve and sometimes conceited opinions.  It keeps me occupied and entertained.

So, I blog just for the sake of blogging and the enjoyment I get from writing.  It’s just a pity that the ability to write is in decline, but that is another subject for another day.  For those of you that do read this, thank you and I hope it brought at least a smirk for your trouble.